Not again...

To be 28 years old and not know who the other half of your parental lineage is frustrating...to say the least. But to have it be a vague, nearly impossible to solve mystery adds to the frustration. Then there's the lacking any sort of photo when you are a spitting image of this "mystery man" that tops it all off. I have once again started the mission to find out where I came from. Being 28 and having some more resources than my last attempt gives me some hope...some being the key word. My mother is still not very forthcoming on her details of who this man is or the real story behind the rise and fall of their relationship. I have never really felt truth behind what she has told me...and when you review the details- it really just feels like she is setting me up for a dead end and is keeping the truth all to her controlling self. "I don't remember his birthday"(yet they dated over the course of MANY months, traveled together and managed to make a baby); "He was a German over here on a work visa...but was wanted for tax evasion and mentioned not wanting to go back there when the visa was up...he mentioned Canada..."(so he wasn't a US citizen, didn't want to go back to Germany and could very well have fled to Canada, Mexico or been hauled back to Germany?!); "I believe he was born in the Black Forrest area of Germany" (oh so now you remember his birthplace but cannot remember his birthdate?!); "He was a wine sales rep...but I don't remember the company name. He left there and went to work for Amway" (greeeeaaaattttt- now you're telling me he sold wine for a company you cannot remember the name of only to leave and go work for one of the largest independent sales companies in the states...nice); "I don't have any contact information for him (but I thought you said you called him and asked him for money?!); "I filed for child support with Anoka County but never heard anything." (how does one A) file for child support without birthdate or visa information B) not have the copy of the record that child support was filed for?!?); "I told him I was pregnant and he wanted nothing to do with me." (but wait...I heard Uncle Don met him when he helped pack the moving truck for you moving back to Minnesota?!?!); "Cousin Jennifer took pictures but they didn't turn out." (how nice...but how unrealistic! You never had ANY pictures yourself?! WTF? Then the ones that someone else took- DIDN'T TURN OUT?!? WTF??!!)

As you can see- I have been set up for failure in this search. After going through what I have gone through in the last four years I know how my mom feels and acts towards men she isn't to keen on. If that's any indication of how she treated the man that is my dad- well I can guess what happened and why he's not around. But that is just not fair and not her position to have control of any more! Granted, I am an adult now and finding out that he helped her move proves he knew she was pregnant (which previously I wondered if it was never brought to his attention) and he has never once tried to contact me...he has his share of faults as well. At this point I am just searching for closure. I want to see who made me. I want to know my family history. I want to know if I maybe have the siblings I have longed for out in the world somewhere. I want HIS story. I don't expect a relationship...but if one developed...it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I want to know that he exists dammnit! At this point he is a figment of my imagination! The only concrete evidence I personally possess is my DNA. And that just isn't enough for me.