Point in case:
- It's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
- If you love something, set it free...if it comes back to you, its yours...if it doesn't- it never was.
- Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.
- Being strong sometimes means being able to let go.
- Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
- The song has ended but the melody lingers on.
- True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained.
As the go-to/non-licensed therapist of my friends I, myself, have repeated many of these sayings time and time again. Man...when you are on the receiving end of them...they fucking suck! Especially that last one...no wait...that first one...no, the second one...ugh...fine...they all sting...and linger...man do they linger!
Let me start off by saying I am a strong woman. I have been flying solo for six amazing years now! I don't have to worry about being kicked in the middle of the night, sharing the remote is a thing of the past, making meals that I hate because someone else loves them is a foreign concept and I won't even get into the joys of going where I want, when I want with who I want without having to worry about someone elses feelings. But I suppose...after six years I was due for something. There's been little inklings of things over the years...but few and VERY far between...and none of the tidal wave magnitude I just endured.
We'll call the initiator of said tidal wave...I will call him Eduardo. Yes. That works. Eduardo and I have a history 15 years in the making. There was this semester of world history, back-to-back desks, notes, whispers (and the inevitable scoldings) where something was born...sadly it died before it got a chance to live (mysteriously thanks to Eduardo). Sufficed to say I was a teenage girl and therefore it left me pretty wounded...and eventually scarred. Over the years a mutual friend of ours had kept me updated to his progress through life (moved away, college, girlfriend, house, engaged and then marriage). The last update I (a newly single Gabbie) received was five years ago when he welcomed his first child into the world (damn...check that one off the list). Fast forward to last year. He joins the social networking site...Bookface and asked to be my buddy. I giggled but said yes and we began chatting once again...much like we did fifteen years ago but in a much more grown up way. Life, children, love, loss, extreme sarcasm and a general sense of "hey, you're still pretty fucking cool!" All was well in the world again. My scars were healing as I took solace in the fact that he was a good man, great dad, happy and healthy...I was able to prove to myself I didn't always have poor taste in men. His friendship and that confidence was good enough for me.
This past summer his posts began to take shift in focus and turn in happiness. I messaged him asking if things were alright. He informed me he was going through a divorce and despite his positive nature...he had his weak moments and Bookface was the easiest moral rebuilder from time to time. I didn't know the details and didn't ask...I just tried to be a friend for a friend in need. I was OK with being friends dammit! FRIENDS! In October my progeny and I changed our names (long story for another post) and he didn't know the back story. He messaged me asking questions and the next thing I know we couldn't stop talking...the entire day. Mind you...I WAS OK WITH BEING JUST FRIENDS! But phone numbers were exchanged and that's when the tidal wave began to build...
For the next month Eduardo and I were in each others world's all day/all night long. The calls, the texts, the emails, more calls, the thoughts, more texts and endless amounts of smiling and laughter. (For the record, he dropped the ball 15 years ago because he owned up to being scared of girls and sex...for which I do believe is true...and is NOT the case now) Due to our distance and kids we had to work logistics in order to see one another. But we were both up for it and each made our efforts, with pleasure. I was following his lead...it just felt...right... My life went from 0-120mph in a matter of moments. The tidal wave was hitting...I was, we were, falling...into deep, DEEP waters...with UNDERTOWS! FUCK!
And then silence. The utter silence. The tidal wave hit...and was gone almost as fast as it came. I'm sitting here stunned and...and...hurt. Why? What happened? Why can't he talk to me about whatever it is? This ISN'T the man he became! This ISN'T something he would do! I, for the first time in a long, long, time- trusted someone...HIM...and he bails without reason?? But...but I was SO careful! I look back and I can't think of anything I could have seen that would have indicated this was a possibility. If there was...I would have never, EVER introduced him to my progeny...my progeny who has a heart bigger than AND more hopeful than mine! But I did...and when that progeny talked about folding laundry for four people, my heart broke a million times more.
There you have it. See? A fucking tidal wave with a broken heart left floating on shore in the exiting tide. I know in time I won't be bitter (or at least AS bitter...let's face it....he's done this TWICE now) and my progeny will be fine. I will take the comfort from friends (and the stupid fucking sayings) for what they really are...wise and delivered with love. Eduardo touched my heart and rejuvenated the idea of love, family and life for me...even if for just a little while. I guess, on that note...I end with THIS saying:
Life's a BITCH. HMPF!
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